I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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