Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
