I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
