Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
