When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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