I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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