when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
