I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
