you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
