I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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