Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize