I smell stomach acid.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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