if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
