i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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