I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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