We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
