Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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