Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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