I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
