I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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