the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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