You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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