I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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