I wannas sexs uuuuu
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
