I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
