Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
