nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
