wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
