I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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