those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
