my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
