As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
