i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
