i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
