Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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