I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
