Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
