after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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