I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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