i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
