if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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