well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
