I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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