i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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