did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize