so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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