i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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