I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
