I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
