I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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