I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
