I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
