I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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