Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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