You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
