i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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