Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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