I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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