hotel room ftw
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize