Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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