remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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